November 15, 2005

Tarquin G. Tickety-Tack

President

Society for the Prevention of

Cruelty to Symbols and Punctuation

121 Nosuch Street

Capitol City, NT 31415-9265

(800) SOP-CSAP

Dr. Michael D. Wills

Department of Mathematics

Whitman College

345 Boyer Avenue

Walla Walla,, WA 99362

Dear Dr. Wills:

It has come to our attention that over the past six years, numerous students under your tutelage have flagrantly abused symbols and punctuation. In particular, we have heard that your current students in Calculus II at Whitman College have shown a blatant disregard for the use, placement, and feelings of the common equals sign.

We recognize that the rights of symbols and punctuations are not clearly defined. Arguably, the landmark 1995 U.S. Supreme Court Ruling in Tickety-Tack vs. Board of Education did not clear matters much, and legislation to clarify matters in the Senate has been shelved in favor of other matters.

Nevertheless, we are building a bi-partisan coalition in Congress which we hope will enact legislation that will criminalize symbol abuse. Although President Bush has threatened to veto any such legislation, we are confident based on his track record that he will sign the bill when it reaches his desk.

In the meantime, we remind you that the Supreme Court Ruling in Tickety-Tack vs. Board of Education struck down a Washington State law of 1992 which withdrew all penalties for abuse of symbols and punctuation. Justice Clarence Thomas, writing for the majority, stated that “Our moral obligation as a nation is to protect those who cannot protect themselves. This includes unborn children, animals, and especially symbols. What can have more beauty then a mathematical equation with the equals sign at the center? What could possibly be more hideous than an equals sign placed in a way that makes nonsense of everything on the page?” We could not have said it better ourselves.

We believe that civil action against offenders is always a second best option to prevention. For this reason, we strongly urge you to ensure that your students stop abusing the common equals sign, as well as other symbols and punctuation. This means using symbols the way they were intended, and when it is appropriate to use those symbols. Remember, question marks have feelings too. If you do not comply with our request, we will have no choice but to contact our attorneys and bring legal action against you for willful negligence, and Whitman College for aiding and abetting this terrible crime against the nation.

Respectfully yours,

Tarquin G. Tickety-Tack